O.K. I must first be brutally upfront here and say "No! This is not a book review to Erwin McManus's new book." It is however, an emotionally filled and psychotically driven rant to which I have in response to starting his new book 'Soul Cravings'! Erwin is so right when he talks in the opening intro about the deeper desires to which we have and the uncontrollable need to fulfill those desires. They are soul cravings that when left neglected begin to callus and blind us to the point that things around us begin to loose there meaning and become something which doesn't seem real anymore. The pictures he drew of his personal story pulled me towards my own deeper emotional struggles which I have been feeling as of late. In some ways I suppose the "soul cravings" which drive the lunacy which I sometimes feel I am in.
Truth be told, I think I suffer with a kind of emotional depression. Yes, it is true that in most social settings I am highly relational and my positive demeanor is exceptionally extroverted with the hopes of inspiring and engaging anyone I might come into contact with. But... but, inside the real me the truth of the matter is a lot of the time I feel very much alone. As though the things I say... the things I write... the things I think and feel... they really don't matter to anyone else. My significance is ultimately over shadowed by the gnawing feeling that if I ceased to exist tomorrow, my voice would not truly be missed and in a close proximity of time would maybe not even be remembered.
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying that I am without happiness and NOTHING is going to happen to me "tomorrow". I am simply trying to authentically acknowledge this deeper need within me; this deeper "soul craving" which I have for a truly authentic and passionate community which honestly cares for all those who are a part of it. It's an "Expression" if you will of who I really am deep down inside.
Last Friday I sat with a friend in a local coffee shop and we chatted about the different values and experiences towards creating and experiencing Liminality and Communitas. Mike asked me, "Do we have to really give up the larger communities we are a part of to really experience the closeness of Communitas?" I knew he was talking about giving up his "Church" but I couldn't help but reflect on my own situation and life as a parallel. I didn't quit know how to answer his question. "Truth be told Mike," I said, "I can't honestly say either way. Most of my life has been spent in a sense of liminalty and there has been very few times where I actually felt any sense of Communitas between me and another person or group."
Can this change? Can significance, purpose, passion, and authenticity really and truly exist within my life and community?
I suppose I'm not yet ready to answer that question. I suppose God can only answer it within his own time. Until then, I'm signing off to go prepare for a Birthday Party my wife and I are throwing for a few friends!